Tuesday, March 15, 2011

e’ journey

day 30 (3/3/11): not sure what to write…but need to share this feeling though its scary…coz penantian itu satu penyeksaan…n this is what happen to me!! i’m waiting for something..waiting for a good news frm HIM to both of us…in a blur situation wif my BBT graph, n in a situation i’m not doing it everyday (taking e’ BBT temperature) all of sudden the day i waited or can expected is passing by without any sign!!! oh GOD…is this real (day-29)…if this is real, pls give me a really2 good news..AMIN coz i’ve never having late mensus for all my life n also never not to have it at all.

I said to myself to make sure i’m pass until it reached 30days of my cycle day..then maybe i’m relief frm this pressure…lots of things in my mind…i dont want to give a high hope but not to say deep in my heart, i pray for e’ best…

dear mr hub is really2 confident when i’m not having my mensus on my day 27 – my normal cycle period. huhu..guy..yes i try to understand him n hope he understand me too, if I'm not giving any response to his bright n wider smile every mng n evening he pick me up frm work!!! dear we still hv to wait until all is assure by e’ doc…so wait patiently while going on pray to dear MIGHTY GOD – ALLAH

so lets today finish with good!

day 31 (4/3/11) – woke up this mng..n checking my BBT..ooo its 36.74..abnormal frm usual body temperature…frm my reading its another sign of “ am i pregnant?”…hehehe coz i’m not having any obvious symptom like what they said..nausea , fatigue or headaches…but today at work i did feel a bit of backaches…skjap2 larr.

me n hubby decide to hv confirmation direct by seeing the doc..instead of doing own test. (ok ker??) actually rasa lebih slamat buat sdiri dulu dak?? huhu..takut terperasan sdiri tp mmg mcm2 perasaan skrg ni…takut n happy smuanya bercampur baur…dui…n e’ date for confirmation is on 11/3 coz this to really2 show i’m late frm my last day period (8/2/11) by 1 week.

again pray for the best…n my weekend pass by like normal with no pressure coz this things really distract my mind..can’t keep not to think about it..even i dreamt about it….huhu

day 32 (5/3/11)

day 34 (7/3/11) – i gave the perasaan keterujaan tu pd hubby..utk dia beli pregnancy test kami…plan utk wait untill firday n c e’ doc mcm x leh jd coz rasa x sabar nak tunggu dah..yer arr penantian itu satu penyeksaan kan..n seriously i am scared..tgk hubby beria2 sgt…n over confident…but me dah rasa skit confident coz till now mmg x period lg..which is away out frm my regular period cycle.

so mr hub pi lar beli e’ kit test..siap call2 lg tanya masa dia kat pharmacy..brand apa ek..n mana satu yg bagus..dui,mana lar aku tahu, pernah skali jer beli…4 yrs back kut..can’t remember anymore…so ptg tu lik dr kerja hubby tunjuk..so a bit excited tgk benda tu..tp takut tetap ada. spt plan nak test ari rabu pg jer…so wait lg shari (esoknya) to pass by safely.

day 35 (8/3/11) – TODAY genap seminggu lewat peod…coz my last 1stday peod is on 2/2  n end on 7/2 (last day peod)

terjaga dr tido early dr biasa..kesejukan coz cuaca luar hujan..terasa nak pee n tetiba teringat e’ test kit….terdetik nak buat test tu pg ni..tetiba rasa x sabr nak verified status diri ni…pregnant or apa?? ya allah dlm keadaan terdesak nak membuang kecik tu..pi turun dapur cari bkas yg leh tadah urin …

later aku buat apa yg patut…dan akhirnya terjawab persoalan n segala ketakutan tu…-ve!!! terpempan tgk result tu….x tau nak define mcm mana dah..air mata x turun pun coz aku sdiri x tau rasa apa..tp yg pasti aku blur….sesangat. mr hub masih tido..n dgn gagahnya aku dekati n kejutkan dia…syg, by dah buat test n i’m not pregnant………..

dgn blur n agak terperanjat..hubby bgn n pi tgk result…n as expected he said nothing much but said its ok…maybe its false, we go n meet e’ doc lar…but for me..mcm harapan dah hancur smuanya!! x perlu jumpa doc dah….biar lar keadaan ni mcm ni sampai nxt mth…baru jumpa doc…frust nyer, ALLAH jer yg tahu.

habis solat baru air mata ku berderai..aku berdoa kalu aku x pregnant, x perlu lah DIA bg ujian lain dlm hidup aku lg..(maksud aku..jgn lar kerna penyakit lain lak), byk juga history penyakit aku ni..x mau rasanya bebankan org2 tersayang…

terbayang2 reaksi hubby masa menanti saat2 ni…wajah dia gembira yg amat n penuh dgn keyakinan…jaga mkn n minum serta pergerakan aku..tu yg buat aku lg sdih…coz smua kerna 7thn yg kosong!! harapan kosong …n keadaan ini hampir buat aku kembali rasa kosong..x tau based on apa lg aku nak berpaut keyakinan ini..cuma DOA jer yg mampu skrg ni..utk kesihatan aku sdiri. dah x byk harapan yg leh aku pertaruhkan.

BTW back frm office, after taking my bath wif all no intention but saja nak jenguk test kit tu smula…tup2 2nd line nya warna muncul, tp x jelas sgt ar..mcm warna pink gitu….erm apa tandanya tu..(however its not relevant anymore coz itu after lot of hours passing by pun!!) aku show to mr hub…so dia advise..jgn pening2 kpala…jumaat kita pi confirmkan dgn doc trus…but my intention is to wait untill genap 2 weeks late frm my cycle…so c lar how.

day 38 (11/3/11) – we went to c e’ doc n e’ result is –ve too!! she ask to come back after 2 weeks n check again….but for me rite now i’m so depressed….n so shock…i’m really wonder n this wandering keep me sad for a day..my tears fall again n again!! I have decided with my hubby to just let it be until it came to my next mensus cycle again..if i’m still not yet peod, therefore i have to c e’ doc again..what to do n what happen?? must find e’ answers too…


hahaha..finally..day 42 () – my mensus coming back!!! ;(( tears falling down as usual…semoga diberi kekuatan seterusnya.

No comments:

Post a Comment